Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in lovely_lisa_81's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 15th, 2009
9:29 pm	latest drivel There's one part of my life that has become completely impossible to control. I've got no choice but to give up trying to take things into my own hands. God is taking over totally! It's REALLY hard - but what an amazing learning curve! It's also kind of liberating too though! Feel like I've had to learn this lesson again and again... I always want to be open to learning new things, being disciplined and molded into the person I am destined to be. How horrible to be stuck in your ways, never changing or growing, never trying new things, never pushing outside of your comfort zone. I'm so glad that I am free to be who I am - a vivacious, bubbling, fallible, saintly work in progress! I recognise my blog has got very intense of late - here is some comic relief: "I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant". Queenie - Blackadder series 2 (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 20th, 2009
11:31 am	Change Wow, 3 weeks since I last updated my blog! AND...I think it's been nearly 5 weeks since I updated my facebook status. I'm so proud of myself! Downside is, I don't know much about what's going on in other people's lives. But that only makes me a better person to talk to when I see you all next time because you'll all want to know what I've been up to - and definitely vice versa! I believe that I've decided something quite firmly about my life and I really want some things to change, and one big thing in particular. I'm going to keep praying about it first but I truly believe that this thing that I want to do, will do me and some of my relationships some real good. It's going to be hard, but change is really hard. Sorry that's a bit cryptic. It's a serious decision and I don't want to treat it too lightly by blogging candidly on it. I am happy however to announce (with the usual amount of tongue in my cheek) that I'm going to take-up ballroom dancing!! Have looked up a few classes and am feeling brave enough to give it a go at least once. Quite excited but also scared of stepping on a poor unsuspecting's feet. Talking of change, yesterday I was trying to teach Orange 1 the concept of giving change using an unstructured numberline. Those poor patient little darlings were very confused by the end of it - and so was I. (Comment on this)
Friday, May 29th, 2009
9:31 am	Joy and peace! Yes! So, less blogging this week - this is mainly because the Lord has actually been filling my days with happy busy tasks for him. It has done me the world of good!!! Yesterday, I was so filled up with joy, I actually caught myself cackling again!! Amazing :-) I don't really know how this has happened but I am convinced that it is the Lord's doing. I've been singing, smiling, had more energy to do things... I'm so deliriously happy that my Godly dreams, wishes, heart's desires are being restored to me (where I had considered them lost). I am excited to be expressing myself again, and God is beginning to help grow my faith to ask for things again. He is the one who is doing this! Most of all, I'm so happy that I have a purpose and I'm really excited about what doors the Lord is going to fling open in front of me next. I know that there are always going to be times of calamity and pain ahead, but I never want to stop being obedient to the Lord again. Even when it costs me things that I think I really want, I trust Him to return them to me in HIS way and in HIS time. Oh things are always so much easier when God is in control! Why must I learn this lesson again and again! :-) (Comment on this)
Friday, May 22nd, 2009
10:32 pm	No facebook for 2 weeks - Day 5, still going strong. Having decided that I devote far too much time on it, I’ve tried really hard this week to curb the level of face-book activity. This has meant that I’ve been literally only responding to f-book messages via my e-mail account. It also means that I really don’t know what everyone’s been up to this week because I've not been reading people's walls. I’m not sure that I like it, but I know that on June 1st, I’m going to really enjoy looking at what everyone has been up to (unless I’ve spoken to them first) whilst I’ve been away from facebook. I can feel the mania still in my body, were I living in the times of Sharpe, I'd demand at once to be bled of it, at the double! It has also meant that I’m blogging much more frequently, and since only a handful of people read it anyway, I’m able to write more freely here than I would if I were writing on my facebook notes. I don’t actually link my blog to my facebook pages, that would be hideous as years ago I was far more frank than I ought to have been, especially with reguards to men. I’d be really embarrassed if for example if all the guys I have talked about in my blog (most of whom I’m now friends with on facebook) managed to identify themselves. Oh well, it’s all in the past now I suppose :-) Jim always tells me that I should never write anything that I wouldn’t want to be made public… I think that one day, there will be no stone unturned and EVERYTHING will be laid bare for all to see. There’s no point declaring all my misdeeds now, but I also know there’s no point hiding them either. In other words, I’ll write what I bloomin well want to :-)… as long as I don't reveal anyone else's secrets of course... (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 21st, 2009
4:43 pm	Not giving money to PBS My counsellor said to me today: "It seems you are so concerned that everyone else is happy, when are you ever selfish? When do you ever say 'no I'm having this / doing this' and taking care of your own needs?"... I was a bit jiggered. I tried to think of a time when I am selfish, but actually that is such a hard thing to do! Not because I'm so perfect, but I think we're inherently selfish, self-centred as humans, so much so that it's embedded into our subconscious and we don't notice our actions. We're selfish all the time! :-) You try and think of something you did today that was selfish - it's not easy! I'm more likely to register that I've done something selfless (ie maybe for someone else), perhaps because that is a real choice / effort. Don't know... My counsellor then spoke about can there be a thing as pure altruism, which got me thinking about the episode of FRIENDS when Phoebe tries to find a completely selfless good deed and gives money to PBS even though she hates them. Phoebe's donation then gets Joey on TV which makes her feel happy, thus making it a selfish good deed. Is there such a thing as a self-less good deed? Or is everything we do laced with a varying amount of motive and intentions? Well, that got me thinking anyway :-) (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
5:39 pm	Green tote bag I walked through the front door into a very quiet house, mum was home in the living room, looking at a brochure for headstones - no TV on. "Where is he then?" I asked her. "Behind you" she said... There he was indeed, in a green tote bag (which looked fairly inconspicuous to the untrained eye). I rather think that the funeral directors know exactly how to cope with giving out people's ashes in a format that is as dignified and subtle and careful as possible. I couldn't help but look inside. A cardboard box that had been torn open at the top. It says RANFT on one of the side panels in capital letters, written on what looks like masking tape. The wooden casket is a golden/orangey colour. They had stuck another piece of card on top of the name plate, not sure why... Peter S Ranft At rest - 8th September 2008 Aged 25 years I didn't look for long. My mum interjected with a comment about how heavy he was when she picked him up, which made me smile. I then picked him up myself, realising that it was possibly the first time in years that I had ever done it. I think the last time was in a swimming pool in Austria in the sunshine when he was using me as the corner of a wrestling ring in order to launch himself into some kind of flying closeline move... (Comment on this)
9:43 am	Months Years ago, Pete and I were quite possessive about our stuff. We didn't have much money or toys so we would battle for ownership frequently although it's probably a phase that all children go through and nothing to do with our circumstances. My memory though has brought me to a time when Peter and I argued about who could have which months of the year. I think we agreed that I'd have July and he'd have May (our birthday months). I think I said that I wanted to have December.... he agreed, and then when I joyfully revealed my motive for wanting December (Christmas), he got really whiny / cross and wanted December for himself. Submission followed as I didn't fancy being embroiled in some kind of headlock. Which months do you want? You can't have July, that's mine. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
4:54 pm	Why are my eyes leaking? The subject line of this blog is a genuine question that I apparently put to my mother aged 2 or 3, when something had happened to stimulate my lacrimal apparatus at the time (Ha - I looked that up on Wikipedia! Also men cry once a month on average and women cry 5 times a month). There was a time in my life not so long ago (probably about a year or 2) when I would find myself crying at something and then think "When was the last time I cried?" and had to think really deeply about when it was and what on earth it was about. Not the case these days. It doesn't take much and it's for a variety of different reasons. 2 or 3 times a day. It's much better than it was though - hurrah! I wonder what God was thinking when he made us to cry/shed tears when particular emotions are triggered. Did God make them for us so that we could recognise that tears are connected to how we're feeling? I wonder when Adam and Eve made the link!? It must've been amazing to be Adam and Eve and have all the fun of naming the plants and animals. If I had to name an animal, it'd be called a bum-hoot (hee hee!!) and it's special super power would be a "final solution" for wasps (emitting noxious gasses lethal only to wasps). They'd avoid getting stung themselves and would be simultaneously helping the population of lovely honey bees to flourish. Although I've just been learning about wasps - It looks like God made them with a purpose in mind. They are actually really good pest controllers...Hm! I'm not suprised - nasty things... Have just realised all the subconscious nationalistic overtones in that last paragraph - Oh dear. Shall I delete it? No, but I will say that I really don't like wasps. If a wasp stung me, I'd cry tears of anger and pain. If a bee stung me, I'd cry tears of pain, but I'd probably have a lot more sympathy for it. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 18th, 2009
2:07 pm	Burger King crown Yesterday, one of the children's group leaders at my church was wearing a crown on her head. It was made out of gold card and had a single staple in the back, I have no idea why she was wearing it - clarification of this would be helpful. It made me think about the fact that (whether I feel like I am or not) I am a child of God, which makes me like royalty. This sounds a bit cheesy, but I wondered if my crown (the heavenly one) looks like the one Bex had on her head, or like a cracker crown, or the burger king's crown, or the queens? Does anyone know any scripture on crowns? I'd like to know if I'm just talking out of the "bible in my head" (Y'know, that highly dubious text). I'd really like to know! Just another bizarre tangent... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 14th, 2009
9:04 am	Reasons to be thankful... Having spent the last few weeks in a state of grieving, I felt the need to try and write down some things that are true and are things to make me happy. The first set of things cannot change. The second set of things I have no guarantee of holding on to, but I'm grateful for anyway. I am free from condemnation I am forgiven for all my wrong-doing I have the gift of faith I have a friend who I can talk with any time of day no matter what the subject, who understands me better than I do (Very good, because I don't understand me at all). My friend is very wise, he knows the right way to go. He knows the pitfalls, and the traps. He is there to help guide me - if only I ask him. (I can picture myself trying to get across a really precarious bridge (over the bog of eternal stench no less!) and worrying and worrying about how to do it, completely ignoring the expert right next to me who knows the safest route and is jumping up and down, wishing to tell me if only i'd take notice and listen). My friend accepts me for who I am and forgives me when I ask for it. I am free to worship / express my faith (something that I'm sure there are lots of Christians in this world who would dearly love to have). I am useful to my friend, in spite of my failings / difficulties (As has been demonstrated to me twice in the last few days). I am going to live with the Lord one day, because God has separated me from my transgressions and I am beautiful and perfect and spotless and blameless in his sight, all because I am I've got hope of a future spent with Him. I am cherished, loved, cared for, blessed and carried while I am here. _________________________ I've also had these things added unto me :-) Beautiful red hair. A healthy, active body in full working order. My over-active brain / imagination :-) Musical talent. A range of learnt / innate skills. The ability to learn and remember new skills / knowledge. Squeaking, excitedness, exuberance (Although this may take a while to return fully!). (When I am faithful and obedient) The fruits of the spirit. A faithful mother who is also a Christian, whom I have a close relationship with. A loving and caring Father, who cries with me when I feel sad. The cherished memories of a wonderful, irreplaceable brother. Several very close friends whom I can rely on to share with and pray with. My brother's very close friends who are all desperately wanting to help and care. A caring, supportive church family who are simply wonderful. An extended family who are brilliant. A warm, comfortable bed to rest in. A dry, safe house to live in (since we had the locks changed - it's pretty safe!). A very nice (albeit posh) place to live in the country-side. Food to eat (safe, fresh food). Clean water to drink. Hot water to bathe in. A wardrobe full of clean, new clothes. A job to go to that I enjoy - and am currently being cared for tremendously in. Caring colleagues who want the best for me. A salary to help me to pay for things. A new car to get me safely from A to B, car insurance and vehicle recovery (All of which have been called upon this week!). I'm sure that there's a whole lot more things to be thankful for in my life, things that I can't quite see at the moment, things that I might not be able to see as good things. I also know that I'm focusing too much on what I haven't got, so I'm not going to write down a list of wants. I rather think God knows all the things that I want, but He knows that they might not be good for me at the moment :-) Better to leave those things with him - although nigh on impossible sometimes when I want them so much! But what an amazing list of things that I HAVE got! So many things to be thankful for. I think if I can learn to be happy again with this, then I will be happy indeed! And there's nothing to stop me from being happy, is there? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 12th, 2009
9:58 pm	Stop! Thief! Take my hoodie as well... Yesterday began by my still feeling the joy that I had experienced the night before at church. I had been to a church in Chichester just for a change (Alli came with me for moral support) and was fairly liberated thanks to the anonymity of my status there. It was lovely that no-one knew me (apart from Alli – and she treats me as a normal anyway!). The talk was on evangelism and was excellent, really funny and well structured. It inspired me to want to be an evangelist again, and I realised that that part of my ministry has possibly not been as effective (over the last year or so) as the Lord would’ve wanted (although you never know what seeds have been sown). I prayed that God would be able to use me in my present state, problems and all, to reach out to people. I know that actually He can, even using those problems to His advantage. So I had a really happy morning, opening my pile of post (Which shockingly, I’ve been piling up on my desk, un-opened since September – luckily it was only Bank Statements, and a couple of voting forms) and sorting out huge piles of paperwork to be burnt on the firey furnace (A la chitty chitty bang bang). It was very cleansing and I felt wonderful! I then went off to the gym and unfortunately, whilst having my work-out, my locker was broken in to. I returned to it (very sweaty / stinky) only to find the door open and my hoodie hanging out. The thief had stolen the entire bag and contents. I ran to the reception and told them what had happened and they said “not again”. After using their phone to cancel the debit cards and ring the police, I felt a bit more at peace about it, reasoning that that person must’ve really needed the bag to go to the extent of breaking into my locker. However, when I started to make links, I realised that I had a huge problem in the form of my car. The thief had taken my keys and drivers licence and although they didn’t know which car it was, it’d only take til nightfall and everyone else had gone home for them to figure out which one was left in the car park! Thankfully, the college clamped it for me so that even if the thief found it and broke in, they’d not be able to drive off with it anywhere. But they still to this very moment (possibly) have a set of house keys and my address… One of the gym staff gave me a ride home in his car, which was a nice opportunity to get to know someone new. He also lent me his phone to ring anyone I wanted…and has just phoned again this evening to make sure I was home safely and was I ok. I remain impressed at the caring that I’ve been shown by the gym staff (some of whom had met Pete – it was also his gym - and therefore know what a rough year it's been). When I got home however yesterday avo, I realised that there was no-one in, no way of knowing how long my parents would be, no means of contacting them, no way of getting inside the house – didn’t really think that through! So I decided rather than wait in the garden for any amount of time, I’d instead jog the 3½ miles to my grandparents. I’ve never run that kind of distance before, it was more fun than I thought it would be! The sun was shining, my red hair was billowing out behind me as I ran – I thought “I must look soooo awesome”! I smiled and tipped my metaphorical cap to the gentry out walking with their dogs… ah, truly I enjoyed my locality! I was a bit suspicious of every white van that drove past me and got ready to really leg it if one slowed down. Having got to my grandparents, I rang my dad and he came to collect me. In my haste to leave the garden, I had failed to account for how worried my parents would be when they arrived home to a barrage of phone-calls from the college saying what had happened and was I ok now after being left in the garden... I didn't really think about how my parents had already lost one child this year, and how much more they want to care for the one they have left. So my dad was somewhat relieved to hear my voice when I borrowed uncle Bertie's phone. My mum was also very tight-lipped and pale when she finally saw me. I could've kicked myself for being so thoughtless. Next stop was Peter Cooper Volkswagen to get a quote for the work that needed to be done. Needless to say I was quite flabbergasted when they told me it'd be £150 for a new key, and even then my car wouldn't be secure. So when they told me it'd be £700+ to replace the full lock set, rendering it secure and giving me 2 new keys (plus the cost of a tow truck to tow it to the garage, plus upwards of 10 days to get it done, plus no courtesy vehicle...)..that's when my grace towards the thief ended and I think I finally swore (in front of my dad) and stamped my foot - oops! We went home to think about it... dad rang up a mate who knows someone who can do it for an awful lot less, and no call out charge... meanwhile my poor defenseless little Beetle sat locked in shackles, all alone in the college car park overnight, waiting for some nasty crim-ette to come and steal her away from me...(Oooh, I think my car is a she! I've only just noticed that her gender has become apparent to me!). The day finished off at about 3:30am this morning after a restless Lisa (who had been waking at every single noise from the house – which was a lot as it was rather windy (weather :-)) last night) finally succumbed to deep sleep… (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 7th, 2009
7:09 pm	Food, as always... I am so full from my dinner!:-) Pleased that I'm eating properly again though. Mum, dad and I all ate meatballs with macaroni - really tasty. I think maybe next time that instead of macaroni , I shall cook Spaghetti. Somehow, spaghetti seems to absorb the Sauce much better than any other type of pasta - weird. Yesterday, Alli made us awesome fajitas for P3. We discussed wether Or not lettuce is a traditional filling for fajitas, quickly coming to an Understanding that you put lettuce in out of tradition rather than out of enjoying it. Do you think there are any other foods like that? Are wafers (for example) in icecream just a necessity or do we really enjoy them? Very often, people leave the salad garnish, and slice of lemon. Why don't we Eat them? What's the point of having stuff like that? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
9:09 pm	Trev After 4 years of life with faithful old Trev, Lisa hungered for something younger, stronger, with more thrust... It's not that I don't love Trev anymore, it's seen me through some real highs and lows since I got it in January 2005. I've used it to store a lot of my junk in. I've laughed, prayed, kissed, read books, sat and thought, burped, slept, give lifts and I've cried my eyes out many a time in it. I've driven with it to Devon, Oxford, Birmingham, Wales, Liverpool and to Stansted airport several times, rather shakily but nonetheless, we made it there in the end :-) It's driven me to Portsmouth and back safely almost every other day for the last 4 years... I don't think I ever crashed into anything in this car, or took the bumper off (correct me if I'm wrong here)... or went on the pavements...er... Unfortunately, it couldn't last forever. The requirement to make repairs on Trev is more and more frequent and more costly. It currently needs a new wheel bearing, and I think the exhaust is starting to blow yet again :-( So when Trapper spotted for me the perfect new car on Thursday, I trusted his judgement, had a look at it and made the guy an offer £500 under his asking price (which was too much anyway of course - Ha ha, check me out presuming to know anything about car prices!). He accepted and I was very chuffed. Today I made the largest cash withdrawal from my bank ever. I didn't feel too worried but the cashier seemed a bit flustered and scolded me for not ordering the cash before I came to the bank. So... I now have a new car! I spent most of the evening hoovering and washing the interior (it was a family car - rather sticky and hairy!) and trying to figure out how to work the radio. The era of Trev has gone and I am now ready to usher in the new age of... the car who shall remain nameless for now (Oooh that sounds a bit Harry Potterish!? Perhaps I should call it Lord Voldemort :-) Lol). I've only told 2 people what type of car it is (when I was thinking about buying it) and so I ask that they don't give it away. There'll be pictures up on facebook before long! But to the rest of you, a clue: It's strange and it's beautiful! (According to aqualung). (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 26th, 2009
8:00 pm	...God's timing :-) 5 minutes after I posted my last entry and the wave of grief overtook me, my phone started to ring. It was one of Peter's friends who was ringing to confirm the next Ranftag meeting, but also just stopped and chatted a little bit about life and stuff in a roundabout way. Even though I've lost my brother, I have inherited some of his best friends. It's little things like those phone-calls that make me feel like a big sister again. And God I think must be reminding me of my mission field, and what a perfect moment for Him to arrange that little phone call, right when I'm sinking! (Comment on this)
7:05 pm	Growing up I've been working really hard the last 2 weeks and I've finally got to a stage where I'm feeling almost ahead of myself (a rare occurrence indeed). It does however give me finally a chance to take a deep breath and ponder life for a little bit... Here are some of my musings today: I want Peter back - There's no-one who can possibly replace him ever. He was my brother, faults and brilliant bits - I adored him so much, even when he was alive mum and I used to sit around and talk about how much we loved him! It just seems like such a long time now since I've seen him that I'm starting to forget little things, like the way he smelt (ranging from aftershave to bottom burps)... I'm a bit worried about my relationships, I'm really scared to take risks and I feel that I have to be so so perfect just incase the people I care most about leave all of a sudden. I feel like a stepford wife, not quite myself, really stretched, just putting on a brave face all the time when really I want to scream for help. I want to be myself but I can't remember what my normal self feels like. Is this what it's like growing up? When did life get so serious all of a sudden? Need some reassurance people that I'm probably quite normal - in the most Lisa shaped way possible that is :-) (Comment on this)
Friday, February 20th, 2009
9:00 am	Like a big trufflehog rolling around in a vat of caramel and marshmallows... For one reason or another I have been eating out rather a lot lately. Not sure if it's because I'm earning a salary for the first time and have a lot of surplus cash to spend on food and fine wine. Either that or there seems to have been a sudden bout of social events in my circles of late. Anyway, in the last 2 weeks I have eaten at: Toby Carvery Lemon Sole (Awesome :-)) Cafe Uno La Tasca Zizzi's The Indian Cottage (Take away, but... y'know) Dominos pizza (TA) The moon garden (Chinese TA) Whistler's chippy (TA) Charlies in Drayton Tonight I'm going to the Sausage pub and tomorrow I'm having lunch out somewhere with a dear old friend. I have to say, as someone who has spent years living on a shoe string, I'm incredibly grateful to be in a situation where I can really indulge in my favourite pass-time. I don't know how long it will last, but long may it continue! I particularly enjoyed Wednesday's La Tasca party. My memory of the rest of the evening after we left is a little hazy, but I thought the La Tasca part was great. Abi was wonderful, coining herself the latest crazy catchphrase for the gang :-) Stuff of legends... (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 8th, 2009
7:30 am	7 months later... Dave asked me why I hadn't updated my blog yesterday. I said "What blog? Have I got one?"... somewhat reminiscent of Adrian Mole and his Diary, I abandoned my blog in July as life has been rather busy. Here's a joke for you to make the punch line for though: Why did the teacher cross the road? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
7:28 am	The tale of how I got a job finally It's been so long since I've updated my blog! The biggest thing that has change since I last wrote in it of course is that I am going to start my new job in September - as a teacher! I am very slowly adjusting to this idea after spending so long really battling to get my first job and taking on the mindset that it's impossible. About a month ago, I had my 12th interview for a PPA job at a school in Paulsgrove (for those of you who don't know about Paulsgrove, it is a difficult area to work in for any of the public services - a lot of poverty. The school sounded really rough but it really wasn’t as bad as some of the Portsmouth schools I’ve been to. They’ve had 2’s (Good) for their Ofsted, which is virtually the best in Portsmouth area. I had met the Headmaster (who was really ever so nice) and spoken with him about the job. And well… I really had got to the stage where I genuinely didn’t care about wether I got the job or not. It was the least "bothered" I had ever been walking into an interview room. I had no belief that I would get a job, and felt so helpless. Formerly someone who would chat openly about my career progress, would get extremely evasive whenever anyone asked me about “How’s the job hunt going?”. I was ashamed and embarrassed about it. In fact I was so not bothered about wether I had got the job or not, that it really didn’t bother me that they rang me back 2 days later (and not on the same day as is customary) to give me the verdict. The head spoke to me very kindly and asked if I would like some feedback. He said “I do hope you find this helpful and please stop me if you don’t agree with any of this”. He said that: • I was very unprepared (True) • I paused for far too long when trying to answer questions. There were some standard questions that I could have predicted and have had prepared. (True, I’d had 11 interviews prior to that one and have already collated a list of the most commonly asked ones). • Never say anything negative about yourself, example “scatty” (I think that does depend on what kind of panel is interviewing me – but he was implying that it was obviously not what they were looking for!) • Don’t refer to personal life (True. When they asked me why I wanted the job, I went on about how in the future when I get married and have children, it would be a great job to have if I was going to go part time etc…This was probably where they’d decided that I wasn’t the one – contrasting this answer with 5 other sparkly candidates saying “I love teaching, I love children – I get a real kick out of seeing them make progress etc). He didn’t have anything positive to cushion it with either, and although he did it very gently, that made it worse in a way. I thanked him very much for his honesty and his time. But yeah, I cried all the way home from work that day. Some of my friends have been telling me for ages to prepare the answers to the questions. Problem was, although I did do that to an extent, I’ve been writing answers that failed to sell myself. I’ve never really grasped the concept of selling myself and have always just gone to interviews hoping that the teaching part would get me through. It suddenly dawned on me after that however that what my friend Jim had been saying about backing statements up with personal examples, was actually a brilliant bit of advice. I don’t really know why it only clicked then – but hey, God has got his reasoning and timing for everything. So I spent the weekend looking up interview advice on youtube, and I bought a self-help book on interview techniques – which although was geared towards people in the private sector, it was still invaluable. So my 13th interview (the following week) was at a school that was about a mile from Langstone Church, and it was 100% improved! I did of course on the Sunday before, ask the church to pray for me, and on facebook I asked people to do the same. I've since heard stories of people using their phones to set up reminders to “pray for Lisa” and so many other little tales. I’ve been genuinely blessed by all the care that has been shown to me and the fact that so many people love me. The interview was with a panel of 4 people – and I thought I was going to be really uncomfortable about that many people being there. But those prayers totally worked, It was really so good and I felt totally comfortable doing it, and even excited and hungry for more questions to be asked of me. I could tell that it was a totally different interview because the interviewers were interested in me all the way up to the end and kept interrupting me to ask me more questions. They didn’t have to cajole me or draw things out of me. This was in stark contrast to my many interviews where I can tell by their eyes that they’ve already made their minds up about me and simply listen with glazed expressions. I got the phone call about 2 hours later to say that I hadn’t got the job, and that I’d missed out on only one thing. I was expecting it to be something along the lines of that I’d…. just quite not been confident enough, or that the other candidate had given fuller answers to the questions. It turned out to be something that I couldn’t possibly have answered other than truthfully – whether I had experience of working within the new curriculum frameworks (which were only established last year and I’ve been doing supply since then). She went on to emphasize that it was a very strong performance and they were really impressed. At this point she brought up the subject of a maternity post and she asked if I would be interested in being considered for it (to which I said ‘Of course’). They'd got another candidate to interview on July 7th so they said they'd let me know then. This of course boosted my confidence no end and even though I didn't get the job, I was smiling and buzzing literally all day! I discovered that I actually COULD do interviews and not just "scrape by" but actually do very well at them. That is still worth so much to me and I actually e-mailed the Paulsgrove Headmaster and thanked him for the advice that he gave me. Sunday at church, I was really so pleased to be able to share the news that I was being considered for another post and thank so many people for their prayers. In the evening service, we did one of those really crazy Langstone nights where something whacky happens. The leaders wanted us to create a pathway down the centre of the church and lay down our jackets/jumpers. Liz was asked to walk up and down the centre of the church bearing a golden flag which was there to represent the glory of God. We sang Hosanna and some people danced, some knelt etc... Now, I'm not usually one for getting involved in too much of the whackiness. I went to a CE church for 6 years and was never instructed to do anything like that there. Nonetheless, I can't really explain why, but I felt that the Lord was saying to me "lay out your handbag". I didn't have a jacket or jumper. I knew that it would be quite difficult to obey but I knew that I had to do it. I didn't really want to, as I felt quite precious about the things in it - my purse, my mobile, my i-pod etc... but I reasoned that if I'm really truly wanting to put God first in my life, I shouldn't be worried about these things - they have no worth really. So I did it. Part of me felt really embarrassed, but the other part was quite liberated. I knelt down and don't really remember much else from that evening apart from feeling very contented. Jan told me afterwards that she had seen what I had done and it had moved her to tears. She also said " I don't know what you prayed for, but I do know that God has definitely heard it". I was a bit dazed at this point, particularly as I don't remember praying for anything. That same evening, I was intending to go home and put in an e-application for this job I had seen online. I had actually visited the school a few weeks before and had really liked it (although I had thought that it seemed really quite posh and that I felt rather dirty in my post-nursery clothes and that I hadn't made a very good impression). When I got home and downloaded the forms, I realised that the run-out date for the job was on the Wednesday before and that I'd missed the deadline by about 4 days. I was really quite annoyed and brought back to earth with a bump. It was funny because I'd really thought about how that job would've been the only possible job that could stop me from accepting the maternity vacancy at Langstone - which is why I wanted it I suppose. Although a term at Langstone would've been brilliant, a WHOLE YEAR at one school would've set me up for completing my induction year! I went to Fishbourne the following day and spent my morning with the year R class as usual. I had to work with a lot of very sympathetic people who are so kind and lovely but I also feel the pity from them too. One of the ladies there has a daughter who is also an NQT, who got the job at Thorney Island that I wanted. I only found out that day, the lady then said "How about you? Any luck on the job front?"...(Er, No!) "Oh dear, oh well - you'll have to keep on hoping". It was in such an infuriating, slow, gentle tone, as one might use with a child. I'm sure she didn't mean it to but it REALLY pissed me off! I went home at lunchtime that day still slightly annoyed, and luckily my mum was there to listen to me rant about it. About 30 minutes later, I had a phonecall from a Portsmouth number come up on the caller-ID. I answered it, and it turned out to be the lady who had shown me and another woman around that school, the posh one that I liked and had missed the deadline for. She was ringing around all the people who had come to the school and had not applied for the job. Apparently there must have been a significant amount of people who didn't apply and they wanted feedback to find out if they had done anything to put people off. I was quite delighted to reassure her that I thought there was nothing wrong at all with the school and that it was actually my lack of organisation and that I would have loved to have applied. At which point she said "Well, we may actually have another vacacny come up, would you be interested in applying for that one?". (YES!!) "If you send me your application, we'll have a look and then get back to you if we're in that position".... so I did. The following day as I had taken a day off and was continuing the writing of an epic e-mail to Julie, I had another phonecall. Here's what I wrote to Julie. "The Havant school have just rung up and have offered me an interview on Thursday! They said they read my application and really liked it and that they also liked me when they met me and came to visit. I’ve been told though that I mustn’t mention the fact that mine was a late application to anyone on the day". That Tuesday was already booked up with an afternoon with Mart and Emma and the girls, an evening at Langstone (meeting). The following day, I had a full day's work at a nursery in Cosham which I couldn't really get out of. Although I cancelled swimming with Alli and the Saundi, I still felt comparitively unprepared for this interview and had one of my random procrastinating tangents when I decided that I simply had to unpack my entire cupboard in order to retrieve "Snowy" the rabbit puppet who I wore on my hand for about 3 years when I was a kid. After realising that my skills as a puppeteer were probably not going to get me a job, I abandoned that plan and decided to do a very simple reading of "a Squash and a squeeze". In March when I went to visit the Stanifords, Julie took me to a cut-price book shop and I went crazy buying a load of really famous children's books brand-new for about £1 each - Squash and a squeeze was one of them. So, the interview day dawned. My mum gave me a cuddle and we promised to pray for each other's interviews (she also had a job interview that day - for her current job). I didn't feel in the slightest bit confident, but I tried to say a very simple prayer anyway. I felt that I really wanted to have the prayer support of my church and that if I didn't have it, it would be pointless even going. Then a little reminder came into my head not to be so ridiculous that prayer is still effective however many people are praying it! Quality over quantity! That encouraged me a lot! The whole process was divided into four sections: 1. Interview, 2. SEN Test, 3. Tour of the school 4. 20 min teaching session. Interview This was really quite horrible actually. I was expecting to be answering the usual questions based around various teaching aspects and then selling my skills at them. However nearly all of the questions were scenario based. For example "An angry parent has come up to you, shouting that their child has been scratched in the face three times this week and is demanding to speak to the head mistress - what would you do?". If you have experienced this kind of interview approach before, you'll know how "on the spot" it can make you feel. I don't know how I answered them. I had only been given 20 minutes for the interview part and I felt that the interviewers cut short my answers too. One of the interviewers had the glazed look after about 10 minutes and I was thinking...BUGGER! SEN Test I was taken into a staff PPA room where another nervous looking candidate was sitting. I'd seen her before at at least 3 other schools (on visits round) and always thought she shouldn't wear so much black eye-liner. I was given a brown envelope and told that all the instructions would be there to tell me what to do. The eye-liner girl was then ushered out by Vyv while they left me to it. I had 20 minutes. I opened the envelope and my task was to have a look at the statistics and then write down 5 questions that I would ask the SENCO (Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator) about them. The statistics were three class lists of pupils names and next to each name was an acronym/brief description of what each child's particular need was. I had never heard of some of them and was again slowly filling up with panic. I thought about trying to make it sound like I knew what the acronyms meant but my questions sounded so silly! I sent up a quick "help me God" prayer and I knew then I'd go for the honesty policy and my first question for the SENCO would be "Please can you explain what these acronyms mean!?". I quickly wrote down another 4 questions just at the end of my 20 minutes, in time for the Vyv to come in with the next candidate - a mature student whom I'd met in the school lobby and had liked very much! It was little consolation though, I really thought by this point that the battle was lost. Tour of the School Make no mistake - This IS part of the interview! It took me ages to learn this but I am so glad I did. The lady taking me around (Vyv) was quite a senior lady and very friendly. Although I wasn't holding out much hope on the job, I decided to ask her lots of questions about the school and seem as interested as possible. Through questioning her, I actually found out that she was going to be the NQT mentor for whoever got the job. This made me smile and feel a bit clever that I'd discovered something that no-one else had! I don't think I used it to my advantage - but I do think that I made the point of being myself with her and showing off my personal qualities. That does sound sooooo fake now I've said it :-). The Lesson I arrived at the classroom 5 minutes early so that I could get my bearings and set up. There was very little I could do though, so I asked if I could go to a loo. Having been shown to a tiny broom cupboard like facility, I sat down and prayed! I was ridiculously nervous, and very suprised that I would be nervous - particularly as the teaching part is always my strength. Going back to the clasroom minutes later, the children had already begun filing in and I went in and sat in front of them. They looked at me, I looked back and smiled. They smiled back. It was a good start :-) The interviewing panel still hadn't arrived and so I decided that I'd fill in some of the time with a my old favourite "So children, would you like to learn some french?". By the time the panel arrived, the children were singing their first round of a french song. Now for 3 minutes - that was ever such good going for those kids. The lesson I had planned for them went really smoothly and the children behaved impeccably, completely dispelling my notions of the biting/scratching/kicking children that had been presented to me in the scenarios of the interview questions. I was very relieved indeed! The children responded so well to the challenges and my creative thinking questions. I asked them to think about what might happen if we squashed another animal into the house along with the goat, the pig, the hen, the horse and the sheep? One little girl said "My animal would start miaowing" - I thought it was clever that she'd made a guessing game of it. I asked her if it was a dinosaur and got a giggle from the class. It was just lovely!! After the lesson, I said goodbye to the class and the panel led me out of the class. One of the panel said "well done! That was very good!". Then Vyv escorted me to the back door and made a few reassuring and encouraging comments. And all of a sudden I was driving back home and trying to comprehend what had happened. Despite all the positive things that had happened in the interview, I didn't feel at all happy with my respponse to the SEN test and that that would be the thing that would let me down against other candidates. I got changed out of my interview clothes into something more comfortable and felt immediately that I'd continue my job searches. I sat on my bed filling out another application for a year 3 job - at a school that I had done a day's supply at back in January. I tried to imagine what my feedback would be... When the phone rang, the deputy (Janet) spoke to me and said "thank you very much for your time and effort today..." at which point my heart sank because I'd heard that so many times before. Then she said, "...we'd very much like to offer you the post if you're still interested" it took a few seconds to register and my breathing to kick back in before I could muster a "yes please I accept". She then said, "You sound very suprised?" at which I explained that I'd felt a bit ill-prepared. "Well, we could see quite clearly that you were very nervous, but all the answers you gave to the questions were exactly what we were looking for. Plus we loved your lesson." (Wooop woop! Aaaaaaaaararrrgh!!! Yes yes yes!!). Janet apologised for not getting back to me sooner (implying that they'd made up their minds pretty quickly!) but that they'd taken a while to decide whether or not to put me in year 1 or year 2 - they decided on year 1. She then gave me a few dates for coming in to school and meeting the children and planning dates - and I found myself reaching for my diary and realising all of a sudden that she really was being quite serious. When I put the phone down I couldn't rip the smile from my face, and yet I cried and cried! The relief was flooding through me and the gratitude to God was made manifest with the million "thank you"'s and other blessings that I prayed! What a happy happy day!! It was just typical however that the moment that I finally get a job and want to share it with the world.. The internet AND landline both go down, My mobile runs out of credit, My parents are both at work and are uncontactable. So I couldn't tell my parents until they got in from work, so I chose to use my last 10p worth of phone credit to tell Alli that I'd got the job! I decided that I couldn't wait 3 hours without telling anyone at all! It was funny telling my dad as I didn't do it straight away. He was really surprised and pleased for me of course. The person who I'd been desperate to tell though was my mum and she thankfully walked in the door ten minutes later. She came through the front door and all I saw was her body and I knew that she was hiding her face until she heard my voice. Our eyes met and within seconds both of us had disappeared in a flurry of massive hair, arms, screams and tears. Our joy was so so deep! (Comment on this)
Monday, May 5th, 2008
10:05 pm	Breath Why is it that cheese and onion pringles make your breath smell so nasty? Other types of breath I don't like: Tuna Tea/Coffee dairy Garlic (If I haven't had garlic) Morning Cheese n onion crisps Fags Red Bull (Yuk!) Tequila (ewww!) Burgers Mouth Ulcer Breath I do like: Red Wine Beer Mint Garlic (If I have had it) Strawberry (other strong, fresh fruit). Hmm, breath. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
8:01 pm	Joupons des femmes Today I went to help pack some boxes for faith in Action at my mum's church. There were only 6 of us and I was related to 4 of the people there. I do enjoy being with my family though. My mum and my auntie have such a funny relationship. My auntie is quite highly strung and is quite often stressed out and panicked about things, wheras my mum is very much the laid-back joker and refuses to get worked up about things and breaks my auntie's tension always. They are quite good for each other, well my auntie is really fond of my mum and I think quite relies on her being there. So today we sent to the people in Rwanda 5 of my Opa's suits - of varying quality. 3 of Nanny's woolen skirts that she can't wear anymore as the doctors have recommended trousers (on account of her leggy peggies). 12 woollen beanie hats and lots of other stuff from my mum's other sister. And mine and Pete's duvet sets which we have had since we were 5 and 7. I thought I would have felt more loss that these were going, but no. I considered the fact that perhaps I was becoming less concerned with material things and more spiritual. Later on as we went to pick up our chinese take-away, I managed to eagle-eyedly spot a five pound note lying in the road and chuckled much too gleefully as I gave it to my mum. "You are your father's daughter" she responded. (Comment on this)